JoNova

A science presenter, writer, speaker & former TV host; author of The Skeptic's Handbook (over 200,000 copies distributed & available in 15 languages).


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U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals

The most surprising thing about the Brandon government is that it hasn’t done this before the Babylon Bee.

 

“We have a deadly enemy out there,” announced General “Sparkles” McKenzie, “and it’s called carbon. The problem with modern-day weapons is that they take a lot of carbon to make. But if we get some nice bespoke swords or bows and arrows, that will help us stay carbon neutral, and you can all sleep safe at night.”

There are some problems with the new policy, though. Some military simulations have shown that swords and bows do put the military at a disadvantage against armies that still use irresponsible gunpowder and explosive weapons. “We have a modern weapon for that,” explained McKenzie. “It’s called the hashtag #StopTheBang.

Looks like the US Army will skip the Solar Powered Tank transition proposed by NATO. But swords, bows and arrows are easier to carry on carbon neutral sailing ships. And better for marines using attack-bicycles.

President Xi praised Joe Biden’s foresight and agreed China would switch to carbon neutral weapons by 2070 or straight after Xi is elected Supreme World Leader.

___________

In other news (which is […]

“Let’s Go Brandon” threatens to Redpill the USA

It’s the laughter that gives it away.

The power of the phrase Lets Go Brandon is that it’s a coded message. In an unguarded moment it reveals how many people in the room get the joke. In a safe way, everyone who disapproves of Woke, political correctness, media activism or Joe Biden can see for themselves that nearly everyone around them does too.

For anyone who isn’t aware of what this strange social phenomenon is, read this. It’s a new form of mass rebellion in an era when cancel culture, censorship, and media bias suppressed the other options.

As Matt Taibbi explains, the masses are trolling the same media hacks and pompous elite players who were fine with four years of yelling “F*^* Trump”. And while F*^* Joe Biden is a protest cry, Let’s Go Brandon is so much better. It’s politer, funnier and pops the media bubble too. Conservatives who would not be comfortable with a crass chant can get in on the joke. Anyone fed up with media propaganda can join in, which is a lot of people.

And that’s what makes it so dangerous for the Culture Controllers. They use kindergarten namecalling and bullying to win […]

Infrastructure Bill Includes Capitol Building Expansion To Hold All The Pfizer Lobbyists

Satire:

Infrastructure Bill Includes Capitol Building Expansion To Hold All The Pfizer Lobbyists

Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senate leaders revealed today that Biden’s “Build Back Better” infrastructure plan will include $86 Billion for a brand-new Capitol Building construction project. The Capitol will be expanded to hold 100 Senators, 435 Representatives, and 1,423 Pfizer lobbyists.

h/t Tom Nelson

Not satire:

There’s plenty more lobbying where that came from:

Pfizer’s full FDA approval could lead to even greater profits By Melissa Holzberg and Tara Suter, Open Secrets

Pfizer reported $5.6 billion in net income during the second quarter of 2021 — that’s up more than $2 billion (from $3.5 billion) from its second quarter of 2020 report to the Securities and Exchange Commission. In the first half of 2021, Pfizer reported nearly $10.5 billion in net income. The company brought in $6.9 billion in the first six months of 2020.

In 2020, Pfizer spent $13.2 million on its lobbying efforts — that’s up from $11 million in 2019 and the most the company has spent on lobbying since 2009 during the debate over the Affordable Care Act.

Speaking of profiteering:

Merck’s 4,000% Markup […]

CDC Cautions Against Taking The Red Pill

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has cautioned Americans against taking the red pill, as it can lead to severe side effects such as “realizing the truth about the way our society is manipulated by the elites” and “spending all your time on YouTube watching Jordan Peterson videos.”

“We’ve seen a lot of people recommend taking the red pill,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. “And we just have to remind everyone that the pill is not approved by the FDA or any other governing body. It could spread ideas like that freedom is a good thing and that thinking for yourself is a healthy American value. People might start getting the wrong idea.”

Meanwhile, the FDA is rushing out an emergency approval process on a new, stronger blue pill to counteract the red pill crisis.

Jo says read the rest at The BabylonBee. See the BluePill in the proto-Beta version at the TGA site, where the Australian Therapeutic Goods Administration warns that Doctors are no longer allowed to prescribe the Red Pill because people on social media are getting the doses wrong.

Informed consent means being told that if you don’t take the Blue Pill, […]

Big Pharma to the rescue: Ask your doctor about Pfivermectin*

For people wondering when this pandemic will end, the fastest way out is with drugs we already have, but they are too cheap. Luckily Big Pharma is here to save the day. Who knows when an extra methyl group, or a hydroxy add-on will find the drug we’ve all been waiting for — one that works like Ivermectin but costs so much more!

Thanks to the Babylon Bee.

Pfizer Releases Brand New, Never-Before-Seen Drug ‘Pfivermectin’.

After several successful rounds of trials and a quick overnight approval from the FDA, Pfizer proudly announced they will be releasing a brand new, never-before-seen COVID drug “Pfivermectin.”

“It’s important to understand that this drug is nothing like Ivermectin, even though Pfivermectin rhymes with Ivermectin and it pretty much does the exact same thing,” said Pfizer CEO Hans Pfizer. “Everyone knows Ivermectin is a widely discredited horse drug, and ours is not. Very important distinction there.”

Experts say that taking two doses of Pfivermectin every day at the first sign of COVID symptoms could lessen the severity and duration of the infection. Ivermectin will do the same thing, except it may also turn you into a horse […]

UN Climate conference banishes nuclear industry. China and renewables investors relieved.

The global nuclear industry has put in fifteen applications to display exhibits at the up-and-coming UN Climate COP26 event in Glasgow. But all fifteen have been rejected in preference for exhibits from industries that appear to solve climate problems but have little effect on actual emissions.

Nuclear power poses an existential threat to the Climate Porn and Fear Industry, potentially causing mass job losses by providing thousands of years of reliable electricity as well as grid scale spinning inertia, FCAS, and reserve capacity too.

President Xi could not be contacted, but has in the past encouraged the rest of the world to keep trying to cut emissions in the most expensive way possible.

Imagine what the world would look like if the UNFCCC wanted to solve the climate crisis? (And if there was one?)

hat tip GWPF

UK Govt under fire as nuclear industry claim they have been banned from COP26

The Sunday Telegraph

Up to 15 applications from nuclear-related bodies are understood to have been rejected by Mr Sharma’s COP26 Unit in the Cabinet Office.

They included an application involving the World Nuclear Association, which represents the global nuclear […]

Kim Jong Un Attends Ivy League University To Learn New Brainwashing Techniques

When only the best will do:

Babylon Bee

“I thought I knew all there was to know about communist indoctrination, but I was wrong,” said the ruthless dictator to reporters after sitting through a 2-hour lecture on why fidget spinners are a remnant of Western patriarchal oppression. “Your American college professors have this down to an art!” …

The murderous leader of North Korea plans to go back to his home country and start his own Ivy League school: Kim Jong UNiversity.

Thanks to the Babylon Bee. Click the logo to read the rest.

9.9 out of 10 based on 44 ratings

Tucker Carlson: On the Death of Comedy

Tucker Carlson: Late-night Comedy died during Trump’s Presidency.

Adam Carolla:

” You know they’ve got to everybody when they’ve got to comedians. Think about that, Professors, cops and politicans — they caved. Now the fact that comedians have caved means everyone is scared of the Woke Mob. “



UPDATE: Youtubes gone, so Bitchute whole Episode here. Mark Steyn does some parody at 11 mins. The discussion of the Death of Comedy starts at 27 mins. 25 March 2021

But comedy is not complete dead on late night cable: check Mark Steyn — especially on the fawning slavish American Media:

Biden said we have to raise every road 3 feet because of climate change, … and they took that, these people, the Court Enuchs went along with it…

Mark Steyn on Joe Biden declaring he might run for another term:

… I have no idea who the government of the United States is, but if the Deep State can get away with this, they can get away with anything.

The Deep State are saying, if we can pull this off, we don’t need anyone in the Oval Office.

 

Matt Taibbi: […]

Meghan Markle Inspires girls — No Matter How Famous, Rich, And Powerful, They Will Always Be Oppressed

Fame, Fortune and Victimhood status is possible for anyone*

Babylon Bee reports unrecognised benefits of Meghan and Harry interview, inspiring millions of young girls:

“Oppression is inescapable,” said Markle, who is married to a prince and worth approximately $50 million. “If you are a woman– especially a woman of color, oppression will follow you all the days of your life and you will never really be happy.”

You can have it all:

“Thanks to Meghan Markle, I feel like I too can grow up to be a famous, rich, beautiful oppressed person,” said Mikayla White, a 5th-grade girl from Southern California. “It’s so encouraging to be reminded that I can grow up to be in the top 1% while never losing my resentment and high sensitivity to microaggressions.”

Markle has promised to continue taking her message of hope to girls everywhere until no one is happy or thankful anymore.

–Babylon Bee.

Out with all that old restraint, diplomacy, and gratitude for fame and fortune.

The Australian ABC described the interview as the worst imaginable for the Royal Family. Though some of us can still imagine what it would be like if, say, […]

The Bee: Health Officials Quarantine Portland To Prevent Spread Of Communism

Australians send our best wishes to friends affected by the outbreak of Collectivist-20 Fever.

Breaking: Health Officials Quarantine Portland To Prevent Spread Of Communism

PORTLAND, OR—The CDC has announced a full quarantine of Portland to prevent the spread of a dangerous virus known as communism.

Signs of an epidemic in Portland Oregon.

Although there is no known cure for communism, there are preventative measures that experts recommend, such as reading history books.

There is not enough satire in the world.

9.5 out of 10 based on 68 ratings