U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals

The most surprising thing about the Brandon government is that it hasn’t done this before the Babylon Bee.

US Military Switches to Swords and Bows to meet carbon neutral targets


“We have a deadly enemy out there,” announced General “Sparkles” McKenzie, “and it’s called carbon. The problem with modern-day weapons is that they take a lot of carbon to make. But if we get some nice bespoke swords or bows and arrows, that will help us stay carbon neutral, and you can all sleep safe at night.”

There are some problems with the new policy, though. Some military simulations have shown that swords and bows do put the military at a disadvantage against armies that still use irresponsible gunpowder and explosive weapons. “We have a modern weapon for that,” explained McKenzie. “It’s called the hashtag #StopTheBang.

Looks like the US Army will skip the Solar Powered Tank transition proposed by NATO. But swords, bows and arrows are easier to carry on carbon neutral sailing ships. And better for marines using attack-bicycles.

President Xi praised Joe Biden’s foresight and agreed China would switch to carbon neutral weapons by 2070 or straight after Xi is elected Supreme World Leader.


In other news (which is not parody):

Pentagon Spokesman Says Climate Change Is As Big A National Security Threat As China

In response to a question of “which is a bigger threat, the climate or China?” [Pentagon spokesman retired Adm. John Kirby] said, “You’ve heard the secretary talk about the climate as a — a real and existential national security threat . . .  And we considered China as the number one pacing challenge for the department. Both are equally important. Both are — are challenges that the secretary wants the senior leadership at the Pentagon to be focused on, as well as many others, too.

After questioning Kirby was unable to state whether Climate Change or China posed the greater threat.

He appears to be 200 years behind the times. After a hundred thousand years of losing to climate change, living in caves and dying in blizzards, humans defeated climate change with fossil fuels.


10 out of 10 based on 47 ratings

38 comments to U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals

  • #

    […] U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals […]


  • #

    Given that China has experienced some major flooding events over the past 18 months I’d say that far from being an existential threat to the US, climate change is probably actually helping to disrupt China and the CCP.

    God knows the US and the Free World needs all the help it can ge.

    FJB LGB!


  • #

    The Navy is working on solar powered carriers. The big problem is the panels tend to break when the planes land on them. They are also modifying all the warship docks to raise 2 mm a year. But the docks being built in Colorado are vertically stationary because the models say sea level rise will have stopped by the time they are needed.


  • #

    “After a hundred thousand years of losing to climate change, living in caves and dying in blizzards, humans defeated climate change with fossil fuels.”

    In fact many humans are migrating to warmer climates, not colder. Because they can. Airconditioning has made the tropics, the deserts enjoyable. Because they are warmer.

    Who actually wants to be cold? No one.

    The ancient push into really cold climates like Europe after the last ice age, then Scandinavia and Russia was deadly population pressure from other hunter gatherers. So people lived in the steppe, crossed the Aleutians, to mountain tops, in hidden valleys and unreachable coastal enclaves like fjords. Anywhere to escape the rapacious human predators, vikings, marauderers, deadly armies of scavengers. That also has changed. We have world peace for the first time in history. And now people from very cold climates like Russia and Canada and Scandinavia can holiday in Thailand and Mexico and Hawaii.

    Fossil fuels have made it all possible. Coal saved the forests of Europe. And cities saved the countryside. Fractionation, coal gas, natural gas, fracking came from nowhere, modern miracles. Then nuclear weapons in WWII, heralding an unprecedented but fragile time of world peace and world travel. Even 40,000 people can travel to Scotland utterly unnecessarily and in perfect safety and dine on prawns, beef, duck and fine wines from around the world. For two weeks and for no reason at all that makes sense. Because they can.

    So we are told Climate Change is a existential threat? What +2 C? Great. You can always optimize by moving 100km/60 miles or going up or down or fly to Glasgow to live if you want a cooler climate. The existential threat for a lifetime is nuclear war in 20 minutes. So what are generals talking about with Climate Change?

    The United Nations was not founded as a world forum to prevent Climate Change with windmills. That’s beyond absurd, insane fantasy. Does anyone remember WWII? The world can be over in 20 minutes. That defines an existential threat, not carbon dioxide.


  • #
    paul courtney

    I am surprised Adm. Kirby made such reckless statements. Doesn’t he know that AGW is WAY worser (military vernacular) than China, and by saying China is as bad, that’s just gonna honk off Climate Change?! You do not want to fool with man-made mother nature!


  • #
    Wet Mountains

    It is not an echo chamber, it is just the people in DC saying the same thing over and over in a very carefully choreographed performance.


  • #

    Swords don’t ‘grow on trees’, excepting the multitude I owned/found as a 6 year old.

    Good Luck, getting a furnace up to 1500 degrees Celsius using solar cells and windmills…


  • #

    The Air Force is working on a solar powered bomber. It has huge wings and flies very slowly at low altitude, so is affectionately named the Gossamer Target. Its payload is 14 ounces so they are working on a 14 oz nuclear bomb. That bomb has has the explosive power of a half stick of dynamite and costs $6 billion each so they are stockpiling them.


  • #
    David Maddison

    Never assume anything the Left might do is too stupid. They see it as a challenge.

    Here’s an example by The Great Cackler, Harris. The disconnect from reality is staggering


    Kamala Harris uses Naval Academy speech to plug ‘rolled-up solar panel’

    By  Steven Nelson May 28, 2021 2:18pm 

    They’d better hope it’s not cloudy.

    Vice President Kamala Harris on Friday told graduating Naval Academy midshipmen that they may soon be able to pack a “rolled-up solar panel” instead of heavy batteries — an ahead-of-its-time substitute that, at the present moment, would not work so well at crucial moments for the top seamen and Marines.



  • #
    Travis T. Jones

    I’m old enough to remember the TV show M.A.S.H. and Maxwell Q. Klinger, and his zany attempts to exploit a “Section 8” that he was mentally unfit for service by dressing as a woman.


    Now a Section 8 is required to join the armed services.


  • #

    The Navy is working on a wind powered ballistic missle submarine. The problem is that when they put up the tower it tends to blow over, turning the sub on its side. The tower then sinks turning the boat upside down. This makes missle launching difficult. The proposed solution is called wheel in a wheel. The interior space rotates to stay upright as the sub turns over. There are missle ports on the bottom as well as the top so the SLBMs can be launched when the boomer is upside down.

    They tried solar with batteries but the surface area is so small that recharge time was 1.3 years. Roll out solar did not do well on the ocean surface when the wind was blowing. When it did work it made a very big target.


    • #

      David I’m sure you’re playing silly buggers, but if not please provide links for your comments.
      This just isn’t funny anymore, although I like a giggle most of the time.


    • #

      British Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

      Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,
      the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels,
      renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

      The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
      Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
      The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
      The new user-friendly crow’s nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
      Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
      The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
      All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
      Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
      The RN eager to shed its traditional reputation for “Rum, sodomy & the lash” so the rum ration has gone, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
      Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by “Hello Sailor”.
      All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
      Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
      This applies equally to female crew.
      The MoD is inviting suggestions for a “non-specific” flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
      The Union Jack must never be seen.
      The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
      She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People’s ”In the Navy”.
      Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England’s south coast.
      The New Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn said,
      “Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels”.
      His final words were – “Britannia waives the rules.”


    • #

      The wave powered coastal assault boats showed more promise.


    • #

      I also hear that the 7AM morning parade for the Marines has been put back to 8AM now, as the LGBTQIA+ Marines need the extra hour in wardrobe and hair and makeup.


      (Hmm! Am I actually allowed to say that?)


  • #

    Meanwhile more problems for their FLOP 26 clown show.
    It seems everyone is starting to have second thoughts about their wild lunacy over the last couple of weeks.
    Even the US and Aussies are more hesitant, so we’ll wait and see out developments for NH winter etc and can only hope more of these L W loonies start to WAKE UP.



    • #
      Graeme No.3

      I didn’t realise that Australia was one of the world’s biggest emitters. I thought that we were well down the list, below Indonesia, Mexico and Germany for example.


      • #

        Yes you’re correct Graeme 3 but when did simple sums or DATA or EVIDENCE mean anything to these clueless donkeys?


        • #

          Australia is one of the worlds largest emitters “per capita”, but we’ve also made some of the worlds largest reductions in emission “per capita”. Only one of these facts is allowed to be mentioned and always without “per capita”.

          As a quarry for the world, with the lowest pop density, and remote distances it’s utterly predictable that we create more emissions per capita to dig up products that other countries want.


    • #

      The primary reason for doing revised NDCs next year is to fold in all the new commitments made the first week of COP26. The official estimate is that the present NDCs yield 2.4 degrees of warming while the new commitments bring that down to an incredible (literally) 1.8 degrees, which hits the Paris Accord target of between 2 and 1.5 degrees. The US has nothing new to add but I would think Oz would add its new net zero by 2050 pledge, or is that not official?


  • #

    So why wasn’t Dr Rosling’s BBC 4 minute video played before their FLOP 26 clown show?
    In fact they could’ve stayed at home and watched it online and wondered how that long HUMAN history ( 200 K years) has changed beyond recognition in just 200 years.
    But I think that’s beyond their understanding and anyway where’s the fun if you can’t WASTE endless TRILLIONS $ for the next 80 years and for a guaranteed ZERO return?


  • #

    It looks like plenty of EARLY work for the Russian Icebreakers and winter hasn’t started yet.
    But don’t worry their COP 26 idiocy will fix it.



    • #
      Graeme No.3

      Yes, Russia has sent a second ice breaker to help free the ships, but it is diesel powered – will that be acceptable to the WOKE?

      I must say reports of people paddling to the (ice free) North Pole seem to have been in short supply in recent years. Was the decision by the Canadian Coast Guard to charge the costs of rescue to the loonies concerned environmentalists a cause?
      There was that ship trapped near Svalbard where the film crew on board aiming to film the shrinking ice had to abandon their “mission”. Ice, Ice everywhere and not a drop of shrink.


  • #

    I think we should understand how we grow so much food today and certainly the increased use of artificial fertilisers is one of the main reasons.
    In OECD countries the number of farmers and farms have decreased over the last 100 years, but we grow a lot more food as time goes on.
    Certainly we couldn’t have produced this modern miracle if we were battling a detrimental problem of severe climate crisis or apocalypse or EXISTENTIAL threat.
    In 1920 farmers fed just 1.8 bn people, but today we’ve managed to feed another 6 bn people and global calories intake etc is much higher than it was in 1920.
    There’s no climate crisis at all and we could hold a silly FLOP conference every month and it wouldn’t make the slightest difference.
    Just check the DATA and EVIDENCE since 1800 or 1900 or 1970 or 1990 against 2021.
    BTW here’s global fertiliser use since 1900 from OWI DATA site and today Asia is a monster user of fertiliser per acre and Aussies not so much.
    Plenty of graphs to easily understand our wealthy+ healthy modern world.



    • #

      Some of the NPK fertiliser use per hectare around the world is mind boggling and poorer Asian countries seem to use the most per hectare.
      I must admit this is the first time I actually looked up this data and it is a total surprise to me.


  • #

    US military with swords and bows sound like the new Dune movie. They have interstellar travel, projectile and beam weapons but insist on fighting with swords and knives on the ground. The US will need to ensure that the enemy gets the memo though, you don’t want to bring a sword to a gun fight.


  • #

    About 30 years ago a feminist academic complained that football promoted aggressive competition and divided people up as winners or losers. “Football was sending out the wrong message about masculinity” she complained. So a letter to the editor suggested that football games should be modified to suit her request where players could each have a football and sit in small groups to discuss how they felt about the ball and its relationship to them and each other.