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Speedy – better than the real thing

Speedy posted this skit in the comments thread here at #85. From that sequestered position, it’s taken two weeks but it’s going viral and Oops!,  the satire of Clarke and Dawe is being credited to Clarke and Dawe. I’ve had 6 emails in the last couple of days. Let’s give Speedy some credit!

Australian politics is like buying a  second hand car — Jo


John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit

(The Customer)

[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. Prime Minister, actually.

John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know……. nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah….a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So…. you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model, don’t know why I got rid of him –biggest mistake I’ve ever made?

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake?

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate, that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah, had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system, not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse?

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason, that’s the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery, but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that’s why you’re here?

Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a government that’s wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

Other posts by Speedy

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Speedy – better than the real thing, 7.0 out of 10 based on 5 ratings

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27 comments to Speedy – better than the real thing

  • #

    Looks like this hybrid is about to crash.


  • #

    Hilarious and accurate…omg..


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    Mervyn Sullivan

    I have never read anything so funny! Hits the nail on the head!


  • #

    That is so funny. Well done speedy. Love the line about the lemon.


  • #

    I am inappropriately giggling in the office. This is just hysterical, the more so because its absolutely true.

    Good work!


  • #
    Baa Humbug

    Surely Speedy will be sued for this.
    It’s more Clarke and Dawes than Clarke and Dawes.


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    Who remembers the Toyota Lexcen? Slap a Labour badge on a Brown and call it a Gillard.


  • #


    just as funny:

    27 July: Reuters: UPDATE 2-Trading Emissions ends carbon portfolio sale talks
    Cites a steep fall in value of carbon-related securities
    * Says will look at sale of carbon assets at an appropriate time
    * Shares fall 12.5 percent to lowest levels since spring 2009 (Adds details, analyst quotes, company estimates)
    British carbon offset project developer Trading Emissions on Wednesday halted talks to sell its portfolio after steep falls in carbon prices, sending its share price to two-year lows…
    But prices for exchange-traded CERs have fallen 12 percent since January when the company announced its disposal plan, and by as much as a third since March on fears about Eurozone growth and a glut of emissions permits in the EU ETS.
    “Unless you are going to offer at a steep discount to the net asset value, which is not in your shareholders’ interest, it will be very difficult to accomplish,” said Gus Hochschild, analyst at Mirabaud Securities.
    “It is also a very diverse portfolio of interests…ranging from Brazilian biofuel to Polish wind farms. To find someone willing to take all of that on — particularly in this market — is no mean feat.”…
    CERs were trading on Wednesday on the European Climate Exchange at 9.6 euros ($13.91) per tonne, illustrating the company’s difficulty in selling its less liquid portfolio profitably…
    Peel Hunt analyst Andrew Shepherd-Barron cut his realisation expectation to 90-100 pence per share from 113-122 pence per share, and cut his target price to 85 pence from 98 pence.
    “They’ve switched strategies on a liquidation and results have been disappointing,” he told Reuters. “I think equity investors have lost confidence in the carbon market generally.”…


  • #

    Great moments in automotive engineering.

    USA:- The 1958 Edsel with an honourable mention going to the 1971 Pinto.

    UK:- The 1973 Austin Alegro

    Yugoslavia:- The 1985 Yugo

    East Germany:- The 1975 Trabant

    Russia:- The 1984 Lada Samara

    and from Australia we have the 2007 Kevin and the series II version that comes with matching Green paint over red trim the 2011 Gillard-Brown.

    It is rumoured the manufacturer (Australian Political System) is about to release a new model based on the Little Johnny and it will be called the Alluring Abbott, hopefully they dont cock it up this time.


  • #

    If Julia is the answer the bloody question must been awful.


  • #

    I think Speedy must write for Clarke and Dawe so skilled is the banter. I received this in an e-mail and perhaps itis old hat but it does convey a message which the left shoud heed.

    Subject: The Tax system

    Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100…

    If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…

    The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
    The fifth would pay $1.
    The sixth would pay $3.
    The seventh would pay $7..
    The eighth would pay $12..
    The ninth would pay $18.
    The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

    So, that’s what they decided to do..

    The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

    The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

    They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

    So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

    And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
    The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
    The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
    The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
    The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
    The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

    Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

    “I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,”but he got $10!”

    “Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

    “That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

    “Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

    The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

    The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

    And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

    David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
    Professor of Economics.

    For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
    For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible


  • #

    Shoud = should. Sorry


  • #

    indeed. better than the original. Must have something to do with not being fettered by the oh so politically correct ABC.


  • #
    Ken Stewart

    I got this via email several days ago from my brother who knows nothing about this website, just got it passed on from a mate. It certainly is travelling fast. I’d say it’s Speedy’s best yet.



  • #

    C’mon Speedy, own up…. yer Dawes ‘n Clark. That’s just too damn good not to be….

    LoL, Cash for political clunkers….. We wish.


  • #

    LoL Lawrie….. I had a good laugh at that. I liked David R. Kamerschen’s quote at the end. Pretty damn true when discribing common sense in uncommon times.


  • #
    Ian Hill

    That was great, Fustercluck indeed! Thanks Speedy.


  • #

    OK, if it’s so achingly funny, which I agree it is, why does it make me want to cry, not laugh?


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  • #

    Cash for Clunkers – First, many people did not realize they could have gotten almost as much for just selling their cars outright. But get this! If they did do the cash for clunkers, the money they got for the car was considered INCOME – so they got taxed on it (ouch!). They actually lost money on the old car.

    Second, all those college kids were scrod as well. The used car market dried up! Because all the clunkers had to be scrapped. No reselling, just junked. SO the government wasted a ton of money, people got screwed by getting less value for their car than they normally could have, and being taxed on what they got to boot. And students and the poor were screwed because there were no used cars to buy!

    Great program – one only a government could come up with.


  • #
    Mark D.

    Speedy, the funny! where does it come from?


  • #

    Lawrie @11 (and JH @16) yes a funny story but its attribution to David R. Kamerschen is not correct.
    Its one of those urban legends that has been doing the rounds for a fair while. Check out for a history


  • #

    Oh meant to add well done Speedy. C&D are about the only must watch on “my ABC” these days.
    Grew up with Fred Dagg and the “Gumboot Song” and his version of the Xmas Carol We three Kings.


  • #

    SPEEDY! Great job, man. I have received this multiple times on email, too. Didn’t know it was you! Well done.

    :-) Janet


  • #

    Lawrie @ 11, JH @ 15

    I cannot confirm or deny that we are Clarke and Dawe ;)

    Hasbeen @ 18

    Maybe because there’s a skerrit of truth in it – we’re governed by idiots! If we’re lucky – my only other explanation is that they’re egotistical, power-hungry sociopathic idiots.

    Mark D @ 21 – It’s all home made I’m afraid. My psychiatrist is on danger money.

    Janet! How’s things? Good to see you’ve still got your sense of humour – stick with it! Humour can be a weapon. I believe that if we can laugh at the greens, people will eventually realise they’re a joke…

    To everyone else, thank you. I enjoy sharing a laugh with you.




  • #
    David Davidovics

    I wonder if Josh (as in cartoons by josh) could draw up some comics to match the transcripts that speedy is putting out.


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