The Onion, ahead of the worlds scientific societies, reports on a “watershed moment” in scientific history:
Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System
PASADENA, CA—Groundbreaking new findings announced Monday suggest the record-setting heat wave plaguing much of the United States may be due to radiation emitted from an enormous star located in the center of the solar system.
Scientists believe the star, which they have named G2V65, may in fact be the same bright yellow orb seen arcing over the sky day after day, and given its extreme heat and proximity to Earth, it is likely not only to have caused the heat wave, but to be responsible for every warm day in human history.
The “tremendous ball of energy” may explain everything from drying puddles to hot car seats.
Governments will have to act, though the path is unclear:
When asked if anything could be done to prevent or counteract the star’s heat production, Kivens expressed skepticism.
“No, for the foreseeable future, I think we’re locked into orbit with this thing,” he said. “Although the star seems to disappear every night, 24-hour reports from around the world seem to indicate the star never leaves Earth entirely.”
Residents of heat- and drought-stricken regions welcomed the findings, thankful to finally have an explanation for the high temperatures, if no relief from them.
“That makes sense, because it’s usually hotter when that [star] is up in the air,” said Stillwater, OK resident Asher Arps, … “The big star heats the earth, and the moon cools it—I get it,” he added.
Many mysteries still to solve:
…renewable energy specialist Dr. Martin Flint said “We still don’t understand how it’s possible for that thing to be up in the sky in January when it’s freezing outside.”
Read it all: Heatwaves traced to massive star
Thanks to the GWPF for finding this one.