Two Dutch Arctic Ice researchers were sadly presumed lost last week. You, silly fool, may have thought it was an unfortunate accident in a dangerous profession. Not so, according to “Schatzie” they were viciously murdered by an unlikely cohort of Obama and at least 24 named “climate change deniers”. While “motive”, “means” and “opportunity” are a little thin on — premeditated intent is surely there: skeptics benefit from the PR storm about researchers dying on thin ice… oh wait.
Anyway, those responsible for heating the planet are also all murderers, which pretty much narrows down the guilty to anyone who breathes, double for those who drive, and in the end, Mr Al Gore emits a lot of CO2, right? Indeed, blame the Pacific Ocean, it releases more carbon than even Al does.
Schatzie is looking for names to add to her list.
I ask you to submit the names of known (or even little known) climate change deniers and those responsible for heating up our precious planet.
Who is responsible for heating up the planet? I dug deep to find the real culprits:
- All anti-nuclear protestors. (Think how cold the world would be if coal fired stations were replaced with nuclear ones? Think!) Get Greenpeace.
- NASA — they produced the vehicles with the worst fuel economy on the planet*. None of their spaceshuttles were carbon neutral.
- Jail James Maxwell. Imagine how cold (and safe) the Arctic would be without electricity?
- Mr Sun.
The killers at Greenpeace
Not only have Greenpeace set back nuclear power by decades, they stopped the atmospheric bomb tests. Surely nothing humans have done before or since could cool the planet as effectively as radioactive dust and ash in the stratosphere? Indeed, the world was cooling in the 1960s when the bombs were exploding, but lo, as the bombs stopped, the world started warming. Imagine how cold the Arctic would be if the Russians were still popping the megatonners in the Arctic stratosphere? It would be as cold, and safe, as the Arctic ever was.
Until then, we suggest researchers head to the Antarctic, where there is lots of cold and no one ever gets hurt.
PS: What has really been murdered is the English language, polite debate, and science. Let’s show some respect for the fallen, and stop nakedly politicizing their deaths. Just a thought.
*For pedants. The fuel economy of the shuttle was around 800
mpg [gpm "gallons per mile"] in the atmosphere. In space, the shuttles get much better fuel economy, but that’s off the planet. Who cares about CO2 released to space? (More is better, right?)
Thanks to Bemused, Jaymez. Oz, Ceetee for the mpg correction to gmp. Yes, rather!
UPDATE: It made my day. My name added to the list, right above someone called Barack.