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Climate Change will ruin beer, chocolate, coffee, says The Guardian

Posted By Joanne Nova On June 11, 2015 @ 5:51 pm In Funny stuff,Global Warming | Comments Disabled

More adventures in science from The Guardian. “No more beer, chocolate or coffee: how climate change could ruin your weekend”.

Obviously, since coffee, hops, and cocoa are all plants which like arctic weather and frosts, and grow mainly in Greenland glaciers, a warmer world will devastate these essential foods. I’m in tears just thinking about it.

Likewise, being alien silicon lifeforms, these plants will struggle as the pollution called carbon dioxide rises from 0.04% of the atmosphere to 0.05%. Oh the pain. If only these plants used CO2 as a basic building block like every other plant on Earth.

It must be tough being so much smarter than the rest of the world.

Guardian Science: climate change will ruin beer, satire, humour, parody

….

Somehow, somewhere, The Guardian become The Guard-Onion. I just can’t take these people seriously anymore. Dear Karl Matheisen, what were you thinking?

 No more beer, chocolate or coffee: how climate change could ruin your weekend

Climate change is the biggest threat to all of civilisation our species has faced since the 80s. Scientists say rising seas will envelope major cities around the world while heatwaves will bring wildfires and torrential rains bring floods. And the global economy is stuffed.

But as if that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out that climate change might even mess up that most holy of traditions – your weekend.

Breweries for climate propaganda?

Thankfully, 42 breweries have weighed in to illuminate us about the true scale of the threat – we might actually run out of beer. From California to the Czech Republic, hop production is being hit by rising temperatures and a lack of water. Beer could also start to taste worse, according to the Czechs, but their beer is rubbish anyway.

The full list of Breweries signing the “Climate Declaration

If you like one of these breweries, why don’t you write to them to let them know that a weak pandering beer that appeals to the thought police leaves a bad taste in your mouth. You’d rather drink a strong beer that stood up to nonsense. Or you could just send them the image or link to this page?

  • Aeronaut Brewing Company (MA)
  • Agrarian Ales (OR)
  • The Alchemist (VT)
  • Allagash Brewing Company (ME)
  • Argyle Brewing Company (NY)
  • Aslan Brewing Company (WA)
  • Aspen Brewing Company (CO)
  • Bastet Brewing (FL)
  • Brewery Vivant (MI)
  • BrickHouse Brewery (NY)
  • Buoy Beer Company (OR)
  • Cape Cod Beer (MA)
  • Catskill Brewery (NY)
  • Chuckanut Brewery and Kitchen (WA)
  • Colorado Boy Brewing Company (CO)
  • Deschutes Brewery (OR)
  • Fish Brewing Company (WA)
  • Forest City Brewery (OH)
  • Fort George Brewery and Public House (OR)
  • Fremont Brewing Company (WA)
  • Georgetown Brewing Co. (WA)
  • Guinness (Ireland)
  • Hopworks Urban Brewery (OR)
  • Iron Horse Brewery (WA)
  • Justice Brewing (WA)
  • Kona Brewing Company (HI)
  • New Belgium Brewing (CO)
  • Ninkasi Brewing Company (OR)
  • Odell Brewing (CO)
  • Redhook Brewery (WA, NH)
  • Rockford Brewing Company (MI)
  • Sierra Nevada (CA)
  • Smuttynose Brewing Company (NH)
  • Snake River Brewing Company (WY)
  • Standing Stone Brewing Company (OR)
  • Strong Brewing Company (ME)
  • Trap Door Brewing (WA)
  • Wet Dog Café & Brewery (OR)
  • Widmer Brothers Brewing (OR)
  • Yards Brewing Company (PA)

There is just too much to parody in this one article. “Chocolate in any form, will no longer be available.”

Give me a break.

Readers, send in your suggestions for funny images with text. I’ll see what I can do. Just start with what The Guardian says and take it literally. Follow that to its logical end, you can’t go wrong.

Adapted Beer Glass image: wikimedia Marcin Zeilinkski

Articles related to Crops and Peak Food Production: All the agricultural food scares ignore that plants are carbon life forms that depend on CO2 to grow. Corn crops pull CO2 out of the sky as soon as the sun comes up, but slow down by lunch time as the CO2 levels fall. They pull out 100lbs an acre  in the first three hours of light, but slow down because CO2 levels fall too low. More CO2 means more plant biomass and production. There is no sign that peak grain production is behind us, but plenty of models have forecast that. Nor is there any sign that slight changes in protein content of grain or crops will make much difference in the real world either. (Protein lost from 100g of “future” rice can be made up for by eating one extra chick pea.)

h/t Colin

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