Another great contribution from Speedy 🙂
If the ABC was relevant (Part 37)
(The Collector)
[Scene: A street corner. JOHN is carrying a clipboard. He approaches BRYAN.]
John: Hi – I’m Bob Brown from the Greens. What’s your name?
Bryan: I’m Bryan Dawe from around the corner. What’s up?
John: The Greens are holding a raffle to raise funds and save the world. Would you like to buy a ticket?
Bryan: What’s the prize?
John: Prize?
Bryan: What do you win?
John: The lucky winner will receive… [consults clipboard] a lifetime supply of free air.
Bryan: Sorry, I’ve already got one. [Keeps walking]
John: Come back! You haven’t got a ticket!
Bryan: You haven’t got a prize…
John: But everyone wins a prize in this raffle – we’re going to save the world!
Bryan: What from?
John: Everything!
Bryan: What does Everything do?
John: Everything does Everything, Bryan! Droughts, floods, heatwaves, blizzards, hurricanes, volcanoes, melting ice caps, rising sea levels, species extinctions, plagues, pestilence and starvation. And that’s only for starters…
Bryan: You mean Global Warming?
John: We no longer use that term as it is not sufficiently encompassing. We find the term “Everything” is more satisfactory. Or, more precisely, AIE.
Bryan: What’s AIE?
John: Artificially Induced Everything. As we all know, mankind is responsible for Everything.
Bryan: I’ve never heard of it.
John: That’s because you know Nothing about Everything Bryan. But we do. We know Everything about Everything. And when you give us your money, Everything will be Alright.
Bryan: What would you spend my money on?
John: On Everything, of course, Bryan.
Bryan: But before you spend my money on Everything, you would have to start with Something.
John: Of course we’ll have to start with Something if we’re going to fix up Everything.
Bryan: But if you just go and spend my money on Something, you could make a mistake and spend it on Anything. And all that spending on Everything would be for Nothing…
John: Nothing isn’t the problem. Everything is.
Bryan: That’s what I’m saying – you might spend Everything on Something that could be Anything and finish up with Nothing!
John: When Everything’s at stake Bryan, then Anything is better than Nothing. And we have to do Something now, so it might as well be Anything.
Bryan: But if Everything is the top priority, then Nothing actually happens. Nothing to do with Everything and Everything to do with vanity and tokenism.
John: Something like that would never happen, Bryan. Nobody would permit it.
Bryan: Nobody likes to admit it, but Sometimes it can happen to Anybody.
John: I disagree. Nothing like that would happen to Nobody at Anytime.
Bryan: Didn’t Abraham Lincoln say that Somebody could fool Anybody, Sometime? In that case, how don’t you know that Somebody is wrong and that Everybody is responsible for Nothing?
John: Everyone knows that Everybody caused Everything – Somebody said so.
Bryan: But you’ve got Nothing to prove it!
John: Yes we have! Whenever Everybody says the same thing, it proves Something!
Bryan: No, it proves Nothing. Because Sometimes Nobody is as dumb as Everybody.
John: I disagree. When Someone who’s a Somebody talks to Anybody, then Everybody needs to listen! What’s the point of having Somebody who can explain Everything to Everybody if Anybody who’s a Nobody can disagree with Anything that Somebody says?
Bryan: That’s science – there’s no knowing that we know all the knowing that there is to know. And if Everyone knew Nothing more than Someone who’s a Somebody Already knew, then Nobody would ever know Anything new.
John: That’s not science!
Bryan: All I know about science is that Anytime Anyone said they knew Everything about Something, if Anyone discovered Something new that isn’t Anything like Everything Everybody Already knew, then all that we know is that that Somebody never knew all that there was to know about Something.
John: You have to be a Somebody to know Everything about Anything…
Bryan: But what if Someone were to say that Nowhere is there evidence that Anybody has proven Anything to show that Everyone is responsible for Everything?
John: Then they’re a Nobody. Because Everybody who knows Something about Anything knows that Everything is caused by Everybody. And Everyone knows that Something needs to be done to stop Everything from happening Anytime soon.
Bryan: But how do we know that Everybody doesn’t know they barely know Anything about Everything; they actually know Nothing about Something and are just taking us Nowhere?
John: Are you going to buy a ticket or what?
Bryan: I’m just getting started…
John: There is Something you need to know about my little raffle…
Bryan: What would you say if, in fact, Everybody didn’t cause Everything, but that Everything was natural – it’s been happening Everywhere, Anytime over the last few billion years. That would mean that Everybody had Nothing to do with Everything! It would mean that Someone could do Anything to prevent Everything but it would achieve Nothing. And Anything they did do would cost Everyone Something but help No-one at all! Everything would still happen Anyway but Nobody would have done Anything to prevent it because Somebody had spent Everything on Something that did Nothing.
Whoever would believe Anyone who claimed to know Everything, but then… [Clunk]
[JOHN has clubbed BRYAN on the head with a large, obviously foam, mallet. BRYAN falls to the floor unconscious.]
John: There is Something that Everybody, Everywhere will understand Sometime, Bryan. It’s that Everybody buys a ticket in my raffle. [Removes BRYAN’s wallet.] EVERYBODY.
Other posts tagged Speedy (yes I need to find a way to add in links to his previous 30 odd articles hidden in the comments!)